Deprivation
by Capitulate
Summary: Oneshot: For just a moment he doubts himself. Light blames his shortcomings on a lack of sleep. edited 8/18/08


**Disclaimer: **Death Note does not belong to Melissa-chan.

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**Deprivation**

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The hands on the clock have already ticked past one, but you're still awake and you're still working for nothing.

__

Even though you're so tired.

Tired? Of what? A lot of things, you're tired of so _many_ things that you don't even know where to begin listing things off.

You're tired physically, obviously. A good night's rest having long since eluded you. Just before your confinement months ago being the last time, if you recall properly.

Right now though, your completely exhausted. You can feel your eyes burning, and you think, irritably, about how you've had so many damn cups of coffee and have been to the damn bathroom because of it more times than you can count with the fingers on both of your hands.

For the first time in your life you're tired of thinking. It's all you ever appear to do nowadays, and you're simply tired of it. Despite what most people believe, you're not used to having to think so much, things were always so easy for you. Then, there's the aching, buzzing thrum in the back of your skull that's tormenting you, and you're definitely tired of hearing that.

There's other things that you've tired of as well. You tired of Misa's impulsive behavior. You're tired of Matsuda's constant oblivious and cheerful demeanor. You're tired of all Ryuuzaki's eccentric mannerisms. You're tired of your father in general. You're tired of this stupid building that was made headquarters.

When it happens it shocks you, scares you even. It feels as if your vision has lifted, despite the heaviness of your eyes, and things become clearer than you can ever recall them being. It's as if you're seeing the world for the first time. Really seeing it. Everything about it. Not just what's wrong, but what's right as well.

It makes you sick, and you want to cave under the pressure of being wrong. Silently you're begging for the closed off, selfish tunnel-vision you've wallowed in your entire life, and that you've been drowning in since you picked up that damn notebook.

This is all because for just a moment you've doubted yourself. The recent months you spent without your memories of being Kira has fucked with your mind and muddled your intentions, and it makes you question yourself.

This makes you feel worse. Doubt? _Doubt? _Yagami Raito doesn't doubt himself. He's always right, and therefore has no reason to doubt himself.

You're Kira! You're Justice! You tell yourself. You're the god of the perfect, new world. The world that you've given up everything for! You're the only one who can do it. The only one who can cleanse the world. You know that you've already thrown away any chance of a simple, quiet life, and you've known that since you began writing names in abundance within the note and pursuing your ideal.

"Is there something wrong with Raito-kun?"

And there it is. Salvation. You jerk, immediately snapping out of your prior state of mind. You notice you're smirking, bitterly, and quickly erase the expression from your face, before turning to look over at your _friend_. You're doing that thing you always do, again, you know, acting. Your voice is calm and friendly, your smile fake and humble. "Of course not, Ryuuzaki. I'm just feeling a bit tired is all."

L does his trademark pout, and draws his knees closer to himself from the recliner he's curled up on. He brings his thumb to his lips, and looks down at the floorboards with wide, empty but always calculating eyes. "Hm," he murmurs softly, you've gotten him thinking, again. You do that a lot. You do it to eachother. It's a reaction.

You frown then, you should have known better, you think. While it works just fine on everyone else around you, Ryuuzaki definitely was _not_ everyone else. He is your equal, a kind tone and an even kinder smile would not fool him so long as they were fake, and even if they were real he'd still be wary and paranoid, waiting for whatever the catch is supposed to be, it's his nature after all.

It appeared though, that for once the man was going to let something go. He kept his thoughts to himself, and you do the same, because honestly, you're tired of this, too.

Tired not only of these ridiculous mind games you both constantly insist on playing, but also just this game in general.

And that's when it starts again. Your thoughts escape you, betraying you, and you don't want to embrace the clarity or pile options that are going to come by thinking _what if _or _just maybe_, you want to run from this, all of this.

"Raito-kun should get some sleep if he's tired."

And just like that, your back with Ryuuzaki in the room the two of you have been sharing since you got out of confinement. You won't be here much longer.

"I'm fine Ryuuzaki. We just proved Higuchi was acting as Kira, and there's still so much we don't know about this Death Note. If I ever hope to get back to normal life, we have to wrap all this up," you insist.

L just shakes his head, being as stubborn as you can be, his dark, messy hair flailing slightly, "It's fine, Raito-kun, we have plenty of time to finish the case later, we need rest," he brings his feet to the floor, one at a time, and gives you a dark, intense stare, "Come Raito-kun, it's time for bed," he urges.

Sick of all the games, you give in, like you usually do, because he so much more childish than you, although you're definitely the more selfish one, and stand up, sighing, "All right, have it your way."

"Thank you," he says softly, and walks toward the bedroom you both share, steping ahead of you.

You thinks it's odd he's thanking you. You're the one who's tired, he could stay up for days on end, you know that from your previous experience working with him when you didn't have any recollection of being Kira. You should be the one thanking him, anyway...he saved you from your traitorous thoughts. You'd like to repay him, but since he's L and you're Kira that's out of the question. He's standing in your way and trying to kill you, he deserves nothing from you.

When you crawl into bed, relief washes over you. Your head clears in a way you find soothing, and you no longer feel tense. Your eyes become heavier than they even where before, and you wonder how that's even possible. You feel Ryuuzaki next to you, firm yet soft and all warm. That warmth won't be there long, either, like your presence, you muse, and afterwards tell yourself to shut up. You too tired to think of your little competition with the man lying beside you, you don't want to right now, anyway.

Your sleep is dark and quiet and for that you're thankful. The nothingness, you like that best. Where there's nothing, there's safety, and that's why you accepted not going to Heaven or Hell when you die so easily.

The new world is your greatest ambition, and it will be your greatest achievement as well. Despite sometimes losing yourself and having your intentions become so misplaced.

You like having an equal. You like having a friend. You like having someone who understands you. And you like being all those things to someone else. Even if you probably really aren't, L's a liar, too. You decide it's a shame that Ryuuzaki is L, because L must die. Damn are you tired.

"Good night, Raito-kun," Ryuuzaki whispers to you in the dark.

"Yeah, you too, Ryuuzaki," you mumble back.

And the emptiness around you is the sight of bliss.

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**AN:** It wasn't that bad I guess. I kinda like it. Reviews are always nice. Edited 8/18/08.


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